AN (2016), Superia 800 film

When Jen asked me to think about a concept for “what is feminine?” I was immediately intimidated and terrified. I wear make-up and I wear dresses: in comparison to the academics I often find myself surrounded by I am more likely to not be taken seriously because I wear make-up and favor more feminine clothing than the standard loose-fitting jeans and t-shirts. But this is never what makes me feel feminine. I realized with a little reflection that I don’t feel feminine on my own. When I’m alone, I’m just me. 

I’m not feminine until I watch someone register me as feminine. Problematically, I noticed that my sense of femininity develops from watching someone else notice me. I always feel most feminine when I am out in public, usually when I am sitting in a coffee shop reading, or at a bar by myself before a friend arrives. I will usually walk into an establishment and find a corner to situate myself in where I have a good view of most of the space. Partially for the feeling of security, partially because I like watching other people: noticing what people are reading or drinking or wearing or talking about. But I also situate myself in this way so I can see who has seen me. 

I have read Laura Mulvey and Judith Butler and Eve Sedgwick. I know being the object of the gaze isn’t an empowering place to be, and has been a problematic source of disenfranchisement for women. I feel a lot of guilt that this is where my femininity comes from. But, I also feel a lot of power when I realize that my presence has stopped a conversation two men are having, or that a bartender starts cleaning a glass more slowly because he know I’m there. I also feel some freedom thinking that I don’t need my femininity to feel like the most true version of myself, because when I am by myself in my apartment, or with strangers whose reactions are unfamiliar, I don’t think about it.