FP, (2016), Superia 800 film

I found myself trying on clothes but nothing fit right since I gained weight, and while piling them on the bed I realized that finding the right outfit is effort, stressful and tiring work that brings you down when you don’t match the popular opinion of the western feminine look. I never had an easy time with thinking of myself as feminine, and people always called me out when I’d experiment and wear heels and lipstick in high school. I got to the point where I was tired of it and went hyper feminine in my twenties; I went hard for the rockabilly look and aspired to look like Brigitte Bardot. A few years later I had come to realize that it was an expensive hobby and I was too focused on looking as feminine as possible to please people’s expectations, but it never matched my personality. Now I only do it when I want to; some days I will be a tomboy with burgundy lipstick and a low maintenance hair bun, others I will put in work and effort, and play dress up like I did with my barbies in elementary school, but when I feel like I put in too much effort I take a step back, look at myself, and try to remember to do this for myself.